This long dark night of the soul came slowly. I felt it coming back in May as my desire for others faded as did my prays for them. Next came prayers for my own sanctification. Then came the struggle with my old self, daily battling to not gossip, or lust, or seek after that which is not right for me. The tears and feelings faded being replaced with a kind of apathy. My hunger for the Word of God and bread of life slowly faded until it was gone. As I do when I really loose my appetite for food, I tried to make myself eat, but only read a little and prayed for a short while. I begin to wonder if I indeed might lose my salvation (even though I’m a Calvinist), for it I felt like nothing mattered and all was vanity, even belief in God. I was sick and could not heal myself.
My patience was the first fruit to disappear. This was clearly displayed as my parents and I played a game one night. I was impatient and my Dad made an untimely and hurtful remark causing me to get upset. It bothered me so much because I already knew that patience is not my strongest virtue. Likewise, I already desired to be more patient. As I heard in a movie once, “I don’t need you to tell me what I do wrong, but help me back up when I fall.” What my Dad didn’t know was the immense pain I was feeling on the inside because of this long dark night. What he didn’t know was that the pain inside was the true cause of my impatience that night. What he didn’t know was that I didn’t need to be told I was impatient, but needed to hear the truth about God. I needed to know that God still truly cared about me and that he still keeps his promises.
The true cause of my struggle was disbelief in God. I believed so strongly in God’s word and his promises to me. I didn’t doubt that any of it was true… until they didn’t seem to come true. God promises to protect and guard us from the evil one, yet all the time I feel attacked by him. God promises freedom from sin, yet all I feel is the weight of my sin keeping me from the sanctification promised me. God says sin shall have no dominion over me, yet it feels like it completely dominates me. I had thought that God worked by setting us free of the sins we currently are aware of and then opening our eyes to more ways that we sin and did not know. While this may still be true, it also seems true that we continue to struggle with the same sins… at least for a time (how long only God knows). It’s hard for me to understand why God would allow sin to continue in my life when he died because of it. God says be holy, yet I feel even more wretched than the day I was saved.
I’m not sure I am completely through the night, but reading Paul’s words in Romans 7 afresh was refreshing. I take more delight in reading the word, now, and find it easier to pray for others, but am still a long way from where I know I ought to be. Please pray for me that I might believe in God and be obedient to Him. Pray that I might truly love Him and love others as a result.