But, just when things seemed to be going well I got hit with a multitude of health problems my senior year. I was strong in the beginning. I prayed and read my bible (not everyday of course). However, my circumstances did not change so I doubted God's love for me and turned from him. I did not pray. I did not read my bible. Only the occasional cry, "Why Lord why?!!!" I did not turn to the Lord, but instead to other things, namely my boyfriend at the time.
Then at my lowest point and full of shame I turned back to the Lord and he made me white as snow. My 1st year of college, I read my bible and prayed almost every night. Not for very long though, 30 or 40 mins total, tops. Still a huge improvement from nothing.
You might think my second year I improved even that much more, but, well, that's not really true. The first semester I was homesick and did not seek the Lord very much. I would go for weeks with reading my bible only once or twice. I am sure I prayed little prayers rather regularly, but really seeking the Lord, not so much. Then I would go for weeks and read the word consistently and seek the Lord consistently. This seems to be the pattern of my life. The second semester I lived by myself, which made it easier to turn to the Lord more regularly. That semester was a good one.
Now what about summers? They were the worst. I became very lazy and hardly prayed or read my bible. I could give you a million excuses, but none are good enough.
My junior year was better. Same pattern, but there was less and less time in between. Instead of going a month it was more like a week (on average, sometimes it was more or less, but mostly more). A week without reading or praying, really praying, is still way too long. By the end of the year, I was doing well. Then summer school happened. Between working and taking a summer class I did not feel like reading my bible. I prayed some, but I only read my bible once a week during that month.
This summer I was determined to do better than summers past. And I did, to some extent. I read my bible nearly everyday, even on vacation (a first for me). Praying was another story. It was far more difficult for me to seek the Lord. Sometimes I would seek him everyday for a week, and yet others I sought him maybe one day out of a week. What kind of Christian does that? Yes, I love you Lord. No, I don't really want to talk to you. How awful is that? I thank the Lord that he is patient with me.
(Somehow it was so much easier to talk about my struggle with this in the past, go figure! lol) Which brings us to the present, almost. When school started I was doing fair. I didn't go for more than a few days without reading my bible or praying, but the quality was poor. (It occurs to me know that I didn't mention before how many times I did read in the past or pray it was for a short amount of time.) Now, back to the near present. The week school started God began to work with me on the issue of prayer and he knew just how he was going to do it too. lol
Over this past month he a used a particular circumstance to create in me a need for Him. This is not the first time he has done this, in fact he used a very similar circumstance this spring. However, this was the first time that I really sought him AND obeyed him AND trusted him. Doing all three things and not just two of them, made the difference. This time, I have experienced unspeakable joy. Why? Because I came to him believing in him. The trial has required me to seek the Lord daily. I would go insane if I did not.
Presently, meaning today, I find that the trial is different now and that God has created a need in me for him in another way. I don't know how to explain how it is different, except to say not as difficult?
But, back to prayer. This past month God has changed me. God has shown me his goodness and I cannot go one day without being in his presence. My view of God as a master, had me tied down. Now my view of God includes to a much much greater extent his goodness. I can now say, "My Savior ,My closest friend."
Now I seek him as often as I can. In between classes with my head down on a table or on my lunch break at home. I know my record has not been very good, but I do believe that the Lord will answer my prayer to help me constantly seek Him and I believe there really is a change in me. I don't think I can go back to how it was. But, even if I could I do not want too and I can do all things through Christ!
So there you have it. I am not perfect, no where near it. It has taken God eight years to get me thus far. And if that's not proof enough for you that God is indeed patient, I don't know what is. :) God is good indeed!