I have recently realized, as mature as he is, he is not everything I desire in a husband. I desire a man who is committed to reading God’s word daily, abiding in it so it might sanctify him and he might know more of our Savior. Someone who is whole heartedly committed to knowing more of God, not distracted by friends, education, games, and music. I desire a man who will appreciate everything I have to offer, including my knowledge and love of children. I want a man who is not indifferent about whom the mother of his children is. I want a man who will listen, listen to me, but also to others. I desire someone who puts other’s need consistently before his own. I desire someone who will not be annoyed with my passion for theology and the bible, but rather encouraged by it. I want a man who is deeply in love with Christ and unashamed of it.
I say all of that, not because he is completely lacking in any of those areas. Nor, because he does not love Christ. I still think very highly of him. He is one of the most mature men I know. I know God will grow him up in his salvation (for I have prayed many times over for it). When the time is right God will provide for him a wonderful godly wife (for I have prayed many times for this too). I still care very much for him, how could I not? But now, I see I am not right for him and he is not right for me.
Now, the other day I read 1 Thes. 4:3 which states, “For this is the will of God, your sanctification…” And, you see, this is exactly why God gave me this thorn. I was humbled many times over because of my thorn. I was pierced through and through as God continually revealed my selfishness and the desires of my flesh. I was beaten into obedience to God and his will (or at least it felt like it at times). I learned to rejoice, give thanks, and pray in all circumstances. (1 Thes. 5:16-17 Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.) I learned to trust God because he is good. I learned much about taking my thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ. I learned about the peace of God that comes to those who trust in him. I learned a great many things and am a completely different, more sanctified believer because of it. Throughout the time I found John Newton’s hymn I Asked the Lord to express quite adequately my thoughts and feelings. In my darkest moments I just cried out to God and prayed the prayers of the Psalmist. As difficult as it was at times, I can honestly say, I would not have had it any other way. The wisdom and knowledge God taught me because of it, is worth far more to me than any momentary comfort I would have had otherwise. Besides, the most joyful years of my life have been these past couple of years. Never before have I experienced such joy and peace! Never before have I so consistently sought my savior and made him my all in all. And my friend, there is a correlation there :)
My friend, it may be difficult for us to understand why God would, in the words of John Newton, almost drive us to despair, in order to sanctify us; but trust in him still. For he will change your will and desire to conform it to his so that whatever the trouble may be, you might rejoice in it. It is in the Refiner’s fire that we are sanctified and best learn the ways of the Lord; and this ought to be the desire of us all. I pray that the God of peace may grant you peace at all times in all ways. May you put your trust in him and lean wholly on him, for he is good. May his joy be your strength as you learn to give thanks for the blessing of suffering, whatever the suffering may be. May you fix your eyes on Christ and look forward to our eternal home; where there will be no more tears. Finally, may the Lord grant you the desires of your heart and withhold no good thing from you.