I thought this was over. I thought I could finally let it go. I did everything I could think of. I quit praying for him everyday. I quit thinking so much about him. I put myself (and continue to put myself) in situations where I can meet new people. I pray to the Lord to prepare my heart so I can meet someone new. I pray to not have feelings. I pray asking how to not have feelings. Yet, I like him as much as I ever have and feel even more foolish.
You see I am embarrassed to like him at this point. It’s obvious he doesn’t like me, painfully obvious. I look like an idiot to all around me. I look like some crazy girl hung up on a dream that will never be a reality to him. Yet, in the midst of all the voices, the Lord whispers, “Hope in me, not in man.” I hear him telling me, “This is my will your sanctification.” Sometimes, I think, “Is this really necessary, all of this pain? And the Lord replies, “Yes, you were by nature a child of wrath. There is much need of sanctification in your life. And I love you.”
I don’t understand the ways of the Lord. I don’t always like his ways. But in his providence, he has made me a fool to the world so I might turn more to him. He has made me fool so he might humble me, again and again. He has made me a fool to teach me to trust and hope only in him. He has made me a fool to teach me he is enough for me. And although, today, I struggle to rejoice in all of this, one day I will praise the Lord with exuberance as I reap the benefits of his disciplining love.