Entry 1
AH! Lord God, I am going insane! I want my thoughts to be stayed on you, but they always wander to thoughts about John*. And what do I accomplish by them? Absolutely nothing! I waste time. My feelings make obedience to you hard. Oh, Lord please, please, please help me! I do not even know why I have these feelings! I don’t even know him anymore, not that I knew him well to begin with. This is killing me and damaging my relationship with you. It’s a cancer. Lord, heal me and remove it. I can’t, I am helpless without you. (I might have been a little dramatic when I prayed this...)
Entry 2
I saw him with some girls last Friday, which doesn’t help anything. I am trying to assume the best intentions on his part and pray for him. But it’s only my nature to assume the worst; he’s into another girl. It hurts to think it has to end this way. I have so many questions and so much hurt. Lord help me to pray for him and love him as a brother.
Entry 3
Lord may you be glorified in me. May I be patient with you as you are exceedingly patient with me. May I trust you more; in all circumstances. Sanctify me in truth. Lord give me, or teach me, self-control, especially in my thought life. I think way too much about John, always wondering what he is doing. Wishing I could get to know him better. Thinking, hoping rather, one day he might pursue me. Show me your way so I may walk in it.
Entry 4
Last night I cried so hard, harder than all the times before. I felt like I did when I was a kid and would cry. It was so late at night and so loud, I hope I didn’t wake my roommates. It’s funny though, to look at the pictures of me today, you would never guess I was sad at all. The Lord is good to me, giving me the joy to get through the times I am apart from him.
Entry 5
Father, it hurts to know he has been hanging out with another girl. Lord I have done my best to do what’s right in your sight and in return, I seem to get pain. Jesus, help me to know your way. Heal my broken heart. Let my eyes be fixed on you. Please comfort me. It hurts bad, especially because I have asked to not have feelings for him and done my best to do your will. Father, may you bless him. May you give her to him, if it’s his heart’s desire. May they be blessed and be one with you. May they know your unending love and joy. May you bless her and keep her. May you make her joy complete and give her the desire’s of her heart. Father, forgive me for forsaking you and loving other things before you. Help me to not cause you the pain I now feel. Bless them, Father, bless them. Help me to love you only. Help me to trust you.
Entry 6
Father why? Why do I have to like him? To like him and not know if he will ever be mine? Help me, Lord. Help me to love you and to trust you. Lord, help me to know you.
Entry 7
Father, humble me and show me your ways. I didn’t realize just how much I’ve prayed about John. As I look back I see how much I have cried out to you and know there are many more that I didn’t write down. Father, what does this mean? Is he the one for me? I’d like him to be, especially knowing how much I have prayed for you to show me your will and to take these feelings away, yet you have not. Father, not my will but thine be done.