I write about my struggle for two reasons. One, I really don’t think he will read this (because he isn’t interested in me). And two, and most importantly, because I want to hopefully, through the grace of God, encourage others who have felt or do feel similarly.
It has been one of the hardest things in my life having to live with feelings I don’t really wish to have. I don’t really wish to have them because they cause pain. All those nights feeling anxious and jealous, wondering what he is doing. Is he pursuing someone? Then feeling ashamed for doubting the Lord of Lords and King of Kings. What a constant struggle it is to put your faith and trust in Christ. Our Heavenly Father has continually asked me, “Do you trust me?” He wants me to trust Him with my heart and in His goodness, two of the most difficult things for me to do. Trust God to provide finances, protect me from danger even, sure, but not protect my heart and be good to me. Thus, the feelings remain and I continue to put my trust in Him, to protect my heart and in His goodness. In doing this I have found the most amazing thing to be true! He is good to me and protects me! Imagine that.
Liking someone who doesn’t like you back is one of the most humbling experiences. I cannot count the number of times I have prayed that God would show me His will, wishing all along that he would take the feelings away. I have prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed some more. What I learned is that I am not in control. I take my thoughts captive. I do not daydream about marrying him and do a decent job at not thinking about him altogether. Yet the feelings grow stronger. I have tried; oh trust me I have, to not like him. I have denied my feelings. I have pretended he was not good enough (problem is he is too good). I have tried to like other people, but every time I think about him. Nothing I did worked. The feelings always remain.
So what was I to do, but accept this as part of God’s plan for my life? There is only so much one girl can do in a situation like this, until she remembers, “Oh yea, I surrendered everything to Christ. Which means He is in control, not me.” And it is there that I have found peace. God is clearly using this for His good and mine. There are so many things I have learned through it and gained from it. A closer relationship with my Bridegroom, Jesus, is at the top of the list. I cannot pretend it has been easy, but God has provided strength and joy for me, more than I could have ever imagined. I do not know what will come of it. Truthfully, I’d like to marry the man. But I am here to glorify the Lord and if it took all of this just to get me into the right relationship with Christ, then, “Thanks be to God!” To know that He cares enough to push me towards Himself in whatever way possible, makes me realize just how loved I really am. At the end of the day I have more peace, more joy, more love, more contentment because I have gone through this. God is so good to me! He continually amazes me with His goodness towards me and the ways in which He protects me. What an awesome God we serve!
I pray that if you too, can relate to this, that the Lord of peace would give you peace in all ways and at all times. May He show you His ways and will for your life, especially in this situation. May you put your trust in Him and accept what He gives to you. May His joy be your strength. May the joy come in the morning, just like it always has for me. May he use your pain and struggle to glorify His name and be a light to this dark world. And, may He use it to sanctify you completely so that you may be one with the Father as he is one with Him. God Bless you, My Friend!
* If you want to know some of my thoughts and feelings as I have gone through this read my blog postBehind the Scenes.