This is a blessing from God, I know. But it is so hard for me to properly receive it. Much of it I'm sure is because I struggle to accept any blessing from God. God gives and takes away and all I can seem to focus on is the taking away. I try to fortify myself somehow so that I may not be so grieved when it happens. (My efforts are futile, I know.) All this fortifying does is not allow me to enjoy what God has given me.
I read a Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis today. It put my mind somewhat at ease about losing my loved ones. This grief he was experiencing was because of the death of his wife not a relative. But perhaps, what stood out the most was what he said about physical pain. "What is grief compared to physical pain? Whatever fools may say, the body can suffer twenty times more than the mind. At worst, the unbearable thought only comes back and back, but the physical pain can be continuous" Continuous it can be. I know from personal experience. Ten months of continuous pain (I think) certainly, counts as suffering. I just never thought it could be considered worse than losing someone you love. I still don't know. But it is encouraging to hear Lewis talk about it being worse even in the midst of his grief.
From A Grief Observed, and a podcast I heard the other day, I learned that it is a completely different type of grief one experiences when they lose their spouse. This grief seems to be far worse that the losing of a child or a parent. (The lady mentioned this in the podcast.) It makes sense, "two shall become one." They describe it as an amputation or a ripping of themselves in two.
This, of course, makes me fear marriage. It seems I would be far better off living out my life being single than married. This is not a new fear I discovered today, but one that is only encouraged by what I read. Is it worth it? My heart desires it, but my mind says, "No way, it will only lead to hurt!"
Today it does not really matter if I know the answer, because today I am single and the Lord has not told me I will be otherwise anytime soon. Instead, I will "deliberately" put my trust in the Lord. For my hope is in him. The same goes for the death of loved ones. What else can I say, but "Thy will done.?"