Since I have started my master’s in biblical studies I have struggled with the bible. How do we view it? What are the different ways to view it? Is it inerrant? Is it a witness of the Spirit or God’s word to man? Who is the Holy Spirit? Do I know the Holy Spirit? Have I been viewing God wrong all this time? What is truth? Can I know it? Studying the bible on a more serious level is not for the faint of heart, and I am afraid that is me. I am crumbling and falling apart, questioning everything.
I feel like God is not real. I feel like I have been tricked into thinking I knew truth. I feel depressed. I feel like God is not here. I feel like there is no purpose in life. I feel like curling up and crying. I feel just plain awful. Everything I have come to believe about God I have learned from the bible. If the bible cannot be trusted, if it is not God’s word but just a witness of the Spirit I have no basis for believing in God or anything about him. If I begin to view the bible not as God’s word or as authoritative then I have no way of knowing what Christianity is. Christianity becomes indistinguishable from any other religious belief because there is no way to define it. I used to think there were really just two main views of scripture, high and low, but as I learn more I see there are others, like the Pentecostal view. I only want to know truth, but it is most challenging. When you are face to face with respectable seemingly god-fearing professors who have very different views than you, what are you to do? They are older and presumably wiser, and yet what I believe God has taught me they mock. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt me some. I know I am not the alone in my beliefs, but I am seemingly alone here at my school.
As I struggle through this, I choose to believe that God is real; that what he has taught me is true, that God is here, that this will be pass, that the bible is true, and that the joy will come in the morning. I am comforted by my understanding of the sovereignty of God and that I cannot leave his hand. He has me and he will keep me. I must push on so that I can get to the other side. I believe God is testing me and that at the end of all of this I will know the truth and be able to more boldly proclaim it. I continue to pray, though I doubt that he hears. I continue to read His word, though I doubt it. I continue to believe, though I doubt what I believe. I can do all of this because I know that faith is more than a feeling, it is trusting despite feelings. Though my hope feels like it is in nothing, it is in Christ and there it forever will be.
Lastly, I ask you, my friends, to please pray for me. Pray that God will strengthen me in my innermost being, that he will give me peace, that His Spirit will confirm for me what the truth is, and that I might not give up, but continue fight.