I remember my freshmen year of college sitting in the dining hall with a bunch of my guy friends talking about who knows what, when the conversation turned to wedding dresses. Strange, I know, that guys would discuss wedding dresses, but that was the topic and let me just say it was them that started that conversation not me, I promise! I will never forget one of them saying, “I do not think a woman who is not a virgin should wear white on her wedding day.” His words shot straight to my heart. It had been less than a year, only about nine months, since I gave my virginity away to my high school boyfriend. His words hurt me deeply, but I kept up appearances. I asked him what he thought about a woman who had repented. He did not really know what to say and ended up just repeating what he said in the first place. After lunch, I had economics and managed to keep back the tears that had been forming since lunch through the whole class and all the way back to my dorm room. As my door shut behind me and I sat down on my bed, I burst into tears. (I did not have a roommate that semester, so I was alone. Thank God.) That whole year I had been struggling with the shame of my past mistakes and feeling as though I always had to bear the shame. His words only confirmed to me what I feared to be true, that I would always be stained, always have to wear a scarlet letter. To be fair to him, he did not know what he was saying and probably presumed that I was a virgin. The hurt I felt had everything to do with my fears and shame and nothing to do with him. Of course, what his words seemed to confirm to me was not true. Christ died to wash my sins away and make me a new creation, and he did just that. During that summer, I shared my testimony (confessed my sins) and the believers there, prayed for me, that I would no longer feel ashamed, and I was healed. (“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” James 5:16) The next time I told people about my mistakes that shame I once felt was gone. God lifted me up and set my feet on the solid ground, he truly did!
I wish that I could end there, on a high note, but there is more. A few months ago I read this blog post. I could completely relate to what she said and was in awe of her honesty. I do my best to not think about how my future husband will react, and do a fairly good job at taking these thoughts captive. That is until I like someone. Then all bets are off and Satan does his best to make me worry and feel that shame once again. “How could a godly man ever love me?” I often think. I sometimes worry about that day when I have to tell him, that I did not wait for him. What will his reaction be? Will he decide he no longer wants to be with me? Will our marriage be ruined, plagued with trouble because of my past mistakes? And the thoughts keep coming, getting worse and worse until I say, “Stop!” I try to remember that if he is truly godly then he will forgive me. That I am not who I once was and that he will see it. Remembering these things helps some, but honestly, it does not help much. Satan still whispers, “You don’t deserve him, he won’t forgive you.” Oh, the tears I have cried thinking about how I have hurt him by not waiting. But what can I do? I have found that the only thing that helps is agreeing with Satan that I won’t deserve his love, and remembering that there is Another’s love that I don’t deserve. I may not deserve the love and forgiveness of my future husband, but I certainly do not deserve the love and forgiveness of the Maker of Heaven and Earth, the King and of Kings and Lord of Lords, the all-powerful, all-knowing, always-present Savior, Jesus Christ. Whoever my future husband is, he does not even compare to my heavenly Bridegroom and if my heavenly Bridegroom who was without sin can forgive me, then through Christ so can my future husband. Knowing this doesn't stop the thoughts from coming, but it helps me because it fixes my eyes on Christ, where they truly belong.
My friend, I thank you for your understanding and forgiveness of my past mistakes. I hope that in sharing this you can better understand my passion for Jesus and why I say the things I say. If you thought I was a super saint, now you know, I am not. When I say I am a sinner saved by grace, I mean it. If it were not for God’s protection over me I could be the mother of a three year old, married to a man who does not love Jesus, living all alone on a Navy base right now, but thank God he protects us, especially when we least deserve it!