Watching a person of interest go after someone else (so it seems) caused me distress. Which in turn caused me to ride a coaster of emotions and be deceived by Satan. He would have me to believe that because I was sorrowful over the person that I had been disobedient to Christ the whole time I was interested—that my feelings were in fact sinful. He knows all to well what a blow that is to my faith and to me. For in those days when I wrestled against (still am wrestling to a lesser degree) feeling as though I had utterly disobeyed God, I found myself barely able to eat, let alone come to God in prayer. Seeking God was the last thing I wanted to do because I felt as though God had not come through on his promises. If I really was disobedient, as Satan would have me to believe, then why did God not answer my prayers about being obedient and helping me to love only him? I prayed continually that I my eyes would be fixed on Christ and not the boy. So if I was disobedient, then God had not heard my prayers. How tricky Satan is! Even though I knew this was his work I still believed. The truth of the matter is that I, imperfectly to be sure, was nevertheless, obedient during the time I was interested in the person. I was in fact; most disobedient during the time Satan had me believing I had been disobedient. Thanks be to God that he seeks after us and works to complete the work he began in us. By the grace of God I managed to cry out and he has heard my plea. By the grace of God I am able to ask God to bless the person I was interested in and his potential relationship. In fact, I do believe that praying for the persons to receive the desires of their hearts and obtain a relationship that glorifies God is the only way to find peace in this situation. Difficult, though it may be, I am called to deny myself and seek first the kingdom of God. Thus, my first desire for the two of them should be that God bring them together if it will advance the kingdom of God. Admittedly, it is not naturally my first desire, but it is my prayer that God will put to rest my selfish lusts and cause me to desire first his kingdom and his righteousness so that I may genuinely rejoice when/if God brings them together.
I know these matters seem trivial compared to great persecutions and things alike, but these kinds of trials, it seems, are what the Christian life is composed of. Will we do everything for the kingdom of God? Will we deny ourselves in every situation we are placed in? We will really seek first the kingdom of God? Will I?
I believe this might be what Oswald Chambers was getting at when he said, “It does require the supernatural grace of God to live twenty-four hours of every day as a saint, going through drudgery, and living an ordinary, unnoticed, and ignored existence as a disciple of Jesus. It is ingrained in us that we have to do exceptional things for God—but we do not. We have to be exceptional in the ordinary things of life, and holy on the ordinary streets, among ordinary people—and this is not learned in five minutes.”
Grace and peace to all my brothers and sisters in Christ. May God strengthen you with power in you innermost being, that you might stand firm in the faith and prevail against the flesh and against the enemy, and may God grant you peace in all ways and at all times.