I am often very discouraged by Christian posts about singleness because none of them discuss burning. None of them deal with what is actually said in scripture about singleness. These people are well-meaning and possibly right in a sense, but ultimately unhelpful for me. For, I don’t primarily desire marriage for pleasure, or to not be lonely, or to find my satisfaction in someone else. I would be a very happy and content single woman, if not for one thing; burning.
Jesus says to me, “Be perfect as the Father is perfect.” He says elsewhere in his word, “Be holy, for I am holy.” There are numerous scriptures that warn the sexually immoral will not enter the kingdom and to flee from sexual immorality. The Lord says to me, “make no provision for the flesh.” These very words of God express my deepest desire; a desire to be holy and to not sin against my Heavenly Father. I am desperate to be married because I am disgusted at my own sinful thoughts. I am confident marriage relieves this burden because it is implied in the verse that states, “it is better to marry than to burn,” and likewise in the verse that states, for lack of self-control, be married. Marriage relives some of this temptation and helps us to be self-controlled. Marriage helps us to be pure and holy before our righteous God.
I often weep before my God. I weep because of my sin. I weep for lack of understanding. I weep for lack of self-control. It breaks my heart every day to think about my sinfulness each day, especially in this area. It breaks my heart even more, when I think of this struggle compared to others I have. In every other area I continually improve so that the struggle is less and less. For instance, I worry less about my future than I did before. I find it easier to give more and more generously. I even find it easier to manage my portions of ice cream; a true feat! Though I still sin in all these areas I can see the victory and increasingly so. Yet, in the area of lust, the one I fight so much against, I see increasing failure. I have limited what I watch to sermons or home improvement shows, for pretty much anything else is a stumbling block. I don’t go to places where I could be tempted. I listen to two to three sermons a day, sometimes more. I read the word everyday. I pray everyday. I worship everyday in song. I confessed to my parents and now to you my sin. I meditate on the word throughout the day. I pray throughout the day. I try to stay busy by working two jobs. I am involved at church. I do everything I can think of to not make provision, everything, but the struggle has only intensified. Oh, that God would set me free!
I believe the promises in the word of God, but to be honest I am confused. I am torn. I am broken. What is one to do when Satan comes to you in your dreams? When you haven't slept through the night in months because Satan wakes you up with temptation. When countless times everyday you have to say, “No, no, no!” to sinful thoughts that come in an instant? I thank the Lord for the self-control he has given to me, but I pray for more. I need more. I pray he will free me from the burning or bring a husband soon. For, as long as this battle rages, I will remain desperate to be married in order to be more holy. [On a side note, I do not only desire marriage for this reason. I have other biblical reasons that can be inferred from scripture, but granted the scripture gives this one reason most explicitly; I feel it appropriate for it to be a major reason for my desiring marriage, and the only reason for my desperation.] Please pray for me. Pray I will resist the devil and that the Lord will guard me from the evil one. Pray I will have more and more self-control. Pray that I might love my God more by not sinning against him.