It’s not about me has been the recurring lesson. I feel selfish, as is, asking things of others. I know there is a line, but I do not know where it is at. Of course, it is ok to ask someone to help if you are super busy, but what about when you are not? Shouldn’t I just go ahead and do whatever “it” is?
When it comes to God, I find it difficult to pray for myself. I find myself only praying what Jesus prayed/taught us to pray. At least I know that is how he wants me to pray and what he wants me to pray for. But when it comes to anything else, I feel so selfish. God has shown me how much he has given me, and it is much! Things I never saw as a blessing before, I see as blessings now. So, how dare I? How dare I ask for anything else? Who am I to ask for more, when he has given so much? (those are rhetorical) And then, I feel absolutely terrible for being so ungrateful.
I told Jesus he could have me, all of me. He can use me however he chooses, so how dare I be sad? I am to “rejoice in hope.” He is trustworthy and he is good and he does what is best for me. What I go through he has let happen out of his love. So why? Why do I feel sad and lonely? “Why are you downcast, O my soul?” It is not right, I feel, for me to feel this way. (My friends are right; I don’t like feelings. I know they are good and a blessing, but they cause me so much trouble.)
But, whatever I feel now, there is no turning back. I am putting my trust in the Lord. If there is one thing I am confident in it is that he will teach me and guide me. He has done so this far. As Oswald Chambers said, “it is only by going through the spiritual confusion that you will come to the understanding of what God wants for you.” It is during these times, I must choose to remember that it is not my feelings that matter, but my obedience in spite of my feelings.